Heaven's Child

I never thought I'd have a child in heaven. I never thought it would happen to me. But it did. On 29th August 2009, our baby's heart stopped beating. I was only 7 weeks 5 days pregnant.

It had been a roller-coaster week. On Monday, at exactly 7 weeks, I noticed that I was bleeding. We rushed down to see the gynae, she did an ultrasound and that was the first time we heard our baby's heartbeat. (It would also be the last time.) I was so relieved hearing her heart thumping away, strong and steady. Gynae said our baby is fine, gave me an injection and sent me home with some medication and intructed me to rest, rest and rest. And that was what I did. By Tuesday, the bleeding had stopped totally.

However, to my dismay, I started bleeding again on Saturday, 3.15 am, this time with slight cramps in my tummy. We called our gynae immediately, woke her up from her sleep. She instructed me to take a double dose of the tablets she's given and we're to see her first thing in the morning.

At her clinic, she did an ultrasound and we knew something was wrong when she was silent for awhile. Then, those 5 dreaded words, "There is no heart beat." She tried again. Same result. I sat there crying, and couldn't stop crying. Looking at the ultrasound image of our baby, that would be the last time we saw her. She was so still.

I went through D & C that afternoon, to remove the foetus from my womb.

I never thought going through a miscarriage could be so painful. If a family member were to pass away suddenly, there would be a funeral for one to grieve the loss. Friends and family would be there to offer condolences, comfort and support. But how do one mourn the loss of a 7 week foetus? There is no body, no ashes, no funeral, no grave. She is still not real to the 'outside' world. But she's as real to me and her daddy as Isaac and Jaden are. She is one of our 3 children. She is our child.

We've been praying for a girl and we thought that if this baby is a girl, we'll call her Kaelyn (meaning: pure). If it's a boy, we'll call him Kay-something (but we've not really decided on a boy's name). That follows the progression of our children's names: Isaac, Jaden, Kaelyn (or Kay...)

Well, one day, we will tell Isaac and Jaden about their sibling in heaven. One day, when they are older. We've not even told Isaac about my pregnancy, so he's not aware of anything. He just knew that mummy was not feeling well last week, that's why I didn't go to work those few days.

Losing our Baby Kae made us appreciate our 2 little boys even more. We hug them more these few days, play with them more. Give them our undivided attention more. Having Isaac and Jaden still with us, brings much comfort to our hearts.

If you still have your child with you today, go, give him or her a hug. Tell your child how much you love her. Give him your undivided attention.

To our dear Baby Kae,
whom we did not have a chance to see your face,
to hug, to hold, to give you our undivided attention.

We will do that one day,
when we meet in heaven.
Until that day, our lives will never be the same again.

You will always be a part of us.
A part of our family.
Daddy and Mummy love you always.
And you are greatly missed...